Letting Go: Encouraging Responsible Independence

Middle School students attend the Mo Ranch Environmental Leadership Program each fall.

We often struggle to find the right balance of protection and independence when it comes to our teenagers. The nineties saw the rise of the “helicopter parent,” hovering over their child. This has evolved to the “lawn mower parent,” swooping in and “mowing over” any adversity or struggle their child may face. While this is well-intentioned, loving and motivated parents can inadvertently stunt the growth of adolescent independence by stepping in and “helping” each time their teen is in need. Parents often struggle with how much support is too much.  Should I bring my tween their missing homework? Should I let my teen attend that late night party? Striking the right balance of protection and independence requires thoughtful consideration and knowledge of your individual child. How do parents navigate the tween and teens years? How much independence is the “right” amount? Here are some suggestions for knowing when to step in and when to let go.

Socially
As part of healthy development, adolescents become more peer-focused beginning around middle school. This also means that they rely less on adult guidance.  Rather than parent facilitated “play dates,” adolescents make their own plans - movie nights, mall outings, sleepovers, concerts, dances, parties. These are all common activities for teens.  Some ways you can foster social independence while also considering your child’s safety include:

• Establish boundaries early that fit with your family’s expectations. Think about your family’s views on how much social independence you are willing to allow at each age.  
• Reevaluate and give more freedom as your child gets older and proves they are making good decisions.
• Allow outings and “healthy risks” that aren’t dangerous. Trips to the mall, movies, or community events with friends, with an adult nearby are good starting points.
• Don’t rescue them from mistakes.  When your child faces challenges based on poor decisions, allow them to feel the consequences.  This is when learning occurs.
• Give consideration to social media.  While some level of supervision is needed in the early years, when can you give them more autonomy?  How can you allow your child some level of privacy while ensuring she is safe? Consider monitoring technology such as BARK, which alerts you of potential issues while also allowing your child some independence.  

Academically
As children approach middle school, teachers often encourage parents to step back and allow the student to take charge of her school work more independently.  Parents should carefully consider how to empower their children to allow them to feel successful in school. Some ways you can foster independence academically include:

• Develop a system for planning. Encourage your child to use a paper planner or web-based calendar to help them keep up with assignments.  
• Prioritize keeping up with their materials.  Encourage your child to pack their backpack and after school activity equipment the night before, to avoid morning frustrations.  If your child forgets their homework or materials, they will be uncomfortable but will learn to prepare better next time.
• Allow mistakes.  Children often learn more from their mistakes than successes.  Making a low test grade, forgetting to do an assignment, and struggling with group work, are all part of growing up.   Talk with your child about what they can do next time to improve.
• Let go of perfection. It is common for teens to face academic challenges as they get into more advanced classes. Focus on effort over grades, so that your teen stays motivated and engaged.
• Consider your child’s learning style.  While the goal is to build academic independence, if your child has extraneous variables like a learning difference, they may need adults to assist in building these skills.   
• Be your child’s encourager and supporter.  Notice and point out their successes, and encourage their growing abilities. 

Work Skills
While many adolescents have a full schedule with school and extracurricular activities, it’s important for them to gain an awareness of their ability to contribute to their family and community.  Being responsible to another adult, through a task such as mowing lawns, babysitting, or a summer job, empowers teens to feel competent. Some ways you can foster independence with work skills are:  

• Assign chores, or “family contributions,” to all family members.  Adolescents are capable of contributing to the care of the home, and this increases their life skills.
• Encourage your teen to find opportunities to work, while keeping in mind their schedule with school and other commitments.  
• Look for service opportunities so that teens have the chance to help others.  This not only teaches them to be aware of the world around them but also to feel a sense of self worth and competence, as they are needed.   
• Consider life skills your teen should know as they transition to adulthood.  Doing their own laundry, helping with meal preparation, and basic household chores help teens build independent living skills needed for the next stage of life.  

Watching your child develop into a competent and confident adolescent is a rewarding experience.  Episcopal’s mission includes preparing our students for “purposeful lives”. By motivating and encouraging responsible independence, parents and educators can partner together to help all of our students meet their full potential.  

Resources:
National Physicians Center for Families:  Building Independence in Adolescents
http://www.physicianscenter.org/parents/parenting-resources/articles/building-independence-adolescents/

Psychology Today:  Teaching your Adolescent Independence
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200907/teaching-your-adolescent-independence

USA Today:  Meet the ‘lawnmower parent,’ the new helicopter parents of 2018
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/allthemoms/2018/09/19/meet-lawnmower-parent-new-helicopter-parents-types-parents-tiger-attachment/1347358002/

BARK
https://www.bark.us/

Self-Sufficient Kids:  7 Ways Parents can Encourage Teens to be Self-Sufficient
https://selfsufficientkids.com/self-sufficiency-tweens-teens/

Mark your calendar for the next Lunch and Learn with the Episcopal counselors.
Thursday, October 25th
11 am - 1 pm
The discussion will be based on the book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All About Me World by Michele Borba. You do not need to have read the book to attend. Please RSVP to your division counselor.

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Alicia Kelly

Alicia has served as a School Counselor at Episcopal since 2001.  As the Middle School Counselor, she has a passion for helping pre-adolescents reach their potential, academically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Alicia holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, Master’s in Health Sciences- Rehabilitation Counseling, and is a Certified School Counselor and Licensed Professional Counselor.  

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